When I think of my aunt I always think of the small suitcase she always travels with to carry all her pills. She seriously has a suitcase there are so many! It’s something that’s always bugged the crap out of my mom and has kept her from taking medication. She isn’t going to be as ridiculous as her sister even when her refusal to take certain medications is even more ridiculous. I can now see that her attitude has influenced my own. I feel like taking anything other than my Copaxone is excessive and would put me on the teetering edge of becoming a hypochondriac. I’ve already succumbed to the daily ritual of Dexilant because without it I can’t eat without the food either feeling like it’s trying to kill me with knives and fire or the food literally deciding to make its way out the way it came in. This has proven to not only be quite embarrassing at times, but totally sucking all the time. Dexilant is a little blue pill that makes me just as happy as that other blue pill makes many middle-aged to you’re-really-not-too-old-to-still-want-to-do-that-so-often? aged men. I’ve even given in to a daily fix of Lexapro because I was sure both my children were going to get MS too, my son wasn’t going to want to go to college and I didn’t feel like leaving my bed was all that important. Soon after, I had to add some Wellbutrin to the cocktail because even though I had anxiety and was clearly depressed, I was having side effects from the Lexapro that were not acceptable My fatigue had gotten worse and I was also hoping the Wellbutrin would help with my lack of energy. So, here I am without my food escaping or trying to kill me and my anxiety and depression have moved on. Still, fatigue is a common problem for people with MS and mine has become incapacitating at times. I also deal with “Restless Body Syndrome”. Restless Leg Syndrome…pshh, that’s nothing! When my body isn’t going all ADHD on me it often feels like there’s a knife at the base of my skull being twisted back and forth or a vice trying to break my head open. I know I sound overly dramatic but I’m writing this while in a lot of pain. I’ve picked the phone up so many times to make an appointment to see my doctor about these problems but the image of my aunt with her pill suitcase and the sound of my mother’s heavy sigh at seeing her makes me hang the phone up every time. I go back and forth between telling myself that I can manage these symptoms with lifestyle changes to screw your mother and your hypochondriac aunt, you can help yourself with as many pills as you’d like. Right now, I take one shot three prescription pills and eight vitamins a day. I’m feeling like that’s too much already but I have MS and MS has its own suitcase full of problems. Isn’t it okay for me to have my own suitcase and not be seen as a hypochondriac? I already feel like my MS and it’s symptoms are misunderstood to the people around me so I try to hide it as much as possible. It’s getting harder to do that and adding more pills to take throughout the day will only be harder to hide as well. It’s too late to call the doctor today and I’d like to say that tomorrow I’ll blow all the crap in my head off and help myself but I’m pretty sure I’ll hang the phone up again. I feel like I should apologize to anyone who reads this. I’m whining and for that I am sorry……again.
musings of ms 