I’m that person, the one I promised I wasn’t going to be. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and have been giving myself permission to retreat into my bubble at pretty much every little bump in the road. A friend asked me if I’ve been writing and I hated my answer enough to get up and brush myself off. My last MRI sucked and that is what knocked me down…hard. I can no longer boast in my MS support group about how long it’s been since I’ve had a relapse or change in my MRI. I really liked being that person and felt like it allowed me to help others, especially the newly diagnosed. It made me feel strong and in control over a body that is anything but strong and a disease that gets most of its attention because controlling it is often tricky and at times somewhat mysterious. All of us diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis know that we can wake up in the morning unable to walk, button our shirt, speak clearly, go to the bathroom unassisted or even see. These are the big broad ones, there are others. If I think about this too long I start to panic so I try hard not to. The part of the MS uncertainty that I didn’t pay any attention to is the part of the disease that doesn’t demand it but is there just the same- changing MRIs. I knew by the questions I was asked after the scan that things weren’t good. I usually come back the next day to get a copy of the radiology report with a CD of all the images. I didn’t do that this time and instead waited for my appointment to get the news. I still haven’t gotten the report/CD because I still don’t want to know everything. I don’t want to know the new lesion count. My disease is progressing and does it really matter how many new lesions I have? I could wake up tomorrow and have five new ones. So, now I’m trying to decide how to proceed therapeutically. Is Copaxone still working or working enough? Will any of the others work better? No one knows. I see my doctor again next week and will have my answer. I need to move on from this and I will. Oh, I also got denied insurance for the second time because I have a preexisting condition but that is for another post….