Commitment phobia

I really need to decide to get over myself. I can be and often am my own worse enemy. I need to knock it off because it’s making me look like a loser. So now I must apologize to myself and the one (?) person who reads this sad little blog. I want to do better and most importantly, I want to believe that I can do better. I’ve thought a lot about whether MS has made me less sure of myself and I believe it has. Whether it be fatigue, weakness or cog fog I’m more nervous than ever to put myself out there in any sort of way. Again, I need to knock it off and hopefully exposing my pathetic weakness to the maybe one (?) person who will read this is a good first step in doing so. I know that I may write things that no one can relate to or even want to read but that, along with all my certain spelling and grammatical errors, isn’t a good enough reason to stop writing. I know this will help me and if it ever at any time helps someone else then it’s a huge success and I can claim it as my own.

Today, I also need to out my commitment phobia/failure with exercise. I know it’s good for me and that it makes me feel better but, because I can’t do what I use to be able to do, I devoid it thinking I know what I don’t and ignoring what I do. I want to get the results I use to get from exercise. My vanity is controlling my sanity and even thought I know this I still concede. My body has been damaged esthetically from daily Copaxone injections and no matter how thin I am or how toned my body is the dents will always be there. They are permanent as is my MS. I still can look better along with feeling better from regular exercise and this all or nothing attitude is not only childish but harmful. I owe myself more. I need to be better.

So, as I commit to this blog I will also commit to exercising because they are good for me and they are things that I CAN DO. The heartbreaking reality that this may not always be the case is not loss on me so I will knock it off. I’m sorry and thank you.