Finding My Own Rhythm

For what seemed like an unnecessary amount of time, I couldn’t find any sort of comfort level in my life that could be found….anywhere.  Basic needs like sleep and food were complicated and going out and traveling seemed impossible at times and hardly enjoyable.  The outer constraints like money and a diet that promised to just about cure me were the easy parts to overcome.  What was hard, well really hard was my inner constraints.  I’ve been scared, really scared and sometimes unrealistically scared.  At some point, that I can’t pinpoint exactly, I realized that I was giving in or up to something that didn’t deserve to have that much of me.  I can’t control whether it takes my balance, my vision or my ability to run, but I can control my rhythm.  My rhythm is the way I go about everything that fills my days.  Too many days seemed to sputter out and I couldn’t feel the way to make it past waking up and going back to bed.  I became content to live in my new MS bubble where I couldn’t see, hear orfeel much of anything.  I was giving myself permission to retreat and become invisible to myself.  All I could see and feel was my MS and it was slowly devouring me by taking control of my rhythm.

Fast forward two and a half years and I’m going to the store alone.  If I fall or get dizzy I’ll ask for help.  I eat out at restaurants and eat the foods that I had sworn off because I was sure they were making my MS worse.  I even enjoy dessert and don’t stress about it.  I’ve decided to put my faith in the man with the PHD who’s a specialist in MS.  He says it’s okay to eat like a normal person and I now believe him.  Also, I’ve actually stayed in a hotel twice and I know that I can make do with the ice machine in the hallway and the absence of a microwave isn’t going to make my nightly injection impossible, or even hard.  It’s really no big deal.  I still can inject accurately and beneficially.  I could go on, but the point I’m trying to make is while I still move a little slower, yawn a lot more and need ice and preferably some heat every night, I now have my own rhythm and it flows quite well and most importantly, it takes me out of that stupid bubble.  We all need our own rhythm and while there are things that try to make it their own, it belongs to ourselves and is ours to claim.  I’m happy that I have reclaimed mine and it’s cadence is both beautiful and fun while still remaining careful.

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